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Sunday, November 30, 2003

Today is the REAL shopping day. Jayne and I are going to the premium outlet malls! I know I know this is SUCH utter BAD news!!! But I cant resist myself. So off we went and spend I did.

I have now added to the tally a long coat, a scarf, a hat, a pair of boots, a pair of loafers, a wallet and I really wanted to get this pair of high end high heels that were to die for but I restrained myself. God Damn fiscally responsible jean! I want to have that one surgically removed. This is all in addition to my purse, boots, swimsuit et al that was already part of the list. Bad bad bad Tink!!

After this we went over to a friend of Jayne’s who lives right by the mall and had another couple who joined in the fun that evening. We were going to go out but decided that it wasn’t worth it and we stayed in. I got a completely surreal view of what the married life would be. We played with 4 kids (two from each couple present) then put them to bed and the FUN began :) We proceeded to drink like crazy I had at least a bottle and half all by my lonesome before the night was over. We played drinking games starting with card ones (Asshole) from which I made glorious move from asshole to president. And then we played caps.

The real surreal part of this was that I was playing a game where I had two people playing footsie with me and 3 people tossing bottle caps at a cup in my crotch. This is in addition mind you to the random porno that for some odd reason was playing on the TV. Quite a few graphic scenes that well I don’t know of anyone who wants to see that many and that kind of a view of testicles. Anyways one of the guys tried to out last and drink me but we called it an end and everyone crashed on the floor. I was the last girl standing! Great evening if I do say so myself.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

I woke up late and that was so so nice.

Its been a long time since I have shared my bed with anyone, have had three nights of Jayne and I am still alive to tell the story. Walking a slight bit bowlegged but hey :)

We got up and packed up to head back to DC and drove into town upon which Jayne became quite foul. And let me tell you a pissed off sailor has nothing on her. First she couldn’t find a parking spot where she wanted, then the rain started pouring, and at that point I said a driving tour of the city wouldn’t be a bad idea- I couldn’t bear the thought of being in the car with her driving around the blocks one more time. Even I have a level of profanities which I will not go beyond.

So we drove around. I got to play my favorite game name that flag. Lost of great architecture and I decided again that I really do like DC. I can easily see myself living there. After we drove around we stopped into Georgetown and headed into a mall. Shopping is always a safe thing for a broke person to do isn’t it?? I found some great deals and well it kept us out of the rain. I got a swimsuit and went to the Dean and Delucca which was nice.

We met up with another friend for dinner and after dinner went back to her apartment for some wine and chatting. All together a lovely evening.

Friday, November 28, 2003

Today was enlightening. Jayne banged around cooking some sweet potatoes thing at some early hour of the mornign. me I just slept through it. I cant stand the things but it looked like a pretty color.

We got ready and I steeled myself to head into rural Virginia and to meet the family I had been warned about. We got to Thanksgiving lunch. It cannot be called dinner when the show starts at 1pm. I listened to the longest prayer/blessing before we ate. I couldn’t look at Jayne for fear of sputtering in laughter. The whole damn thing took the guy 5 minutes. And honestly that is not an over exaggeration. After which we ate the very very blessed food and then headed to her aunt and uncle’s house. Where I listened to her cousin expound on things in life and "realities." I kept repeating things and he kept missing it.

We went after that to visit some friends of Jayne’s from highschool. They were all sorts of funniness and good humor. I had my country run to the gas station for dinner with them and besides the proclivity of the family and its members for shutting doors on me it was just lovely. They were my kind of people and didn’t seem to mind the lack of neuron recepters I have. It was a lot of fun.

We got home and watched X-Men 2 and then crashed.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

I have to be the dullest house guest ever today.

I woke up, and worked like a demon on my paper that is due today. I am supposed to be putting together a draft but I didn’t get to that classes work. I will just have to make up some kind of story ARGH. Anyways I wrote more and more shite and finally put something together. It has a good shell just with all the restrictions it is impossible to get to where I want it to go. Regardless I hit send.

I have not been this mentally exhauseted in a long time. I had just about perfect timing as shortly after I finished Jayne came home and we went down to Old Town Alexandria and wandered. I got lucky and found a great pair of boots and we ate dinner at a bar and had some sub-par icecream.

Came home and yes I should have worked on my paper but I caved and tossed it all off. Not sure I will get back to it this weekend, pretty sure I don’t care if I do.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Well I turned in my Portugal paper. That one has bit the dust. Thank ye gods. I love my topics but there is not enough time to dig into them nor is there enough research to access on some of them. Potentially though this does mean that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

So I managed to get home scramble worse then curdled eggs or a hen with its head cut off and pack myself for a weekend with my friend Jayne. I am sure I am crazy for going to visit her but what the hell do I have to loose. So I pack up load the car I am borrowing from a friend and I drove my merry way down the interstate as fast as the four little wheels could carry me.

I got there at about 10:30 pm exhausted to the absolute bone! All I want to do is crash to be honest and well after saying hello to Jayne that is about what I did.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Everything has been pretty much the same for yesterday and today and I have been in a haze for most of that time. Quite honestly the two days have melded together to the point that I remember little else of my chaos from them except for smacking up my sugar vein for injections of utter crap and writing till my fingers hurt and I may I say that I wrote utter shite. I handed off the office key (that was painful having an office is such a helpful thing to writing) and well that said I earned some money for the first time in almost 6 months. But all in all it is just part of that crunch bit that I was not as well prepared for as I would like to be and quite honestly is about to make me jump off a cliff. I am about one week behind schedule. Thats me a day late and a dollar short, or now thanks to graduate school 22K dollars short. I am paying for this kind of stress, I dont even want to think about what that says about me.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Seeing as I have been woken up and it is actually Saturday anyways I am going to write my entry now I think. I have just lost it. GROW UP, be just a bit respectful when you come trouncing into someone else's apartment at 3 in the FUCKING MORNING.

NO NO its not like I havent had things to do today- oh no......not like I am not I dont know TIRED. I get done with all my work, I head home and when I get there Julia is cooking. I swear Cec and I are about to start calling her Midge. Most of the food she cooks is full on cafeteria-mess food. Tonight it was I kid you not, Salsbury Steak. Which for those of you thinking it is steak- think again; accompanied by a nice side of canned peas. GROSS GROSS and GROSSER!! But she decided to head out and I was fine with that. I then went about my evening and decompressing after a long day. At about 2:00 am I read a bit of my book. At 2:30 I turn out the lights and see if that would help me to get to sleep.

As fecking sod's law has it right as I was falling asleep the troops come storming in. Julia had gone picked up Joy and Jen and they all came back to our apartment. Ok I am not going to complain about that. I am going to complain that at 3 in the morning Jen comes in fucking screaming up a blue storm. Now I know I speak loud but between Jen and Julia I sound like a door mouse. I just wanted to hide!!

So I dont say anything hoping that they would get the point or leave soon. Well Julia comes over and shuts my door. Great. Jen talks even louder. EVEN BETTER!! Then she has the fucking audacity to start talking smack. But just as she was about to unleash Cecily showed. Now Cecily couldnt hide so she put up with it. And some how got wrangled into playing on her computer some Sex in the City. So next thing I know Jen is shouting about oh mi god this is going to be great. So Cecily being a respectful person who is aware I live in the apartment and am supposedly sleeping, turns the volume down. And up Julia turns it back every time. Finally though when they started the DVD Jen shut the fuck up!! I am sorry 4:22 am, this is not cool and I am a bitch.

I have two words for you
GO HOME.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Sure been on 'ell of a day. I woke up and went to worthless class. I then ran some disappointing errands (did not find what I wanted). Proceeded on to a program lecture which was between two New Labour Brits and it was plain wonderful.

What is it about me every Euro I know especially Brit ones always feel that the first thing they must do is ask me where I am from? and looking in amazement when I answer. Met a gentlemen who did policy advising for Blair and teaches at Oxford and Duke today... very entertaining and brilliant man, and yes that was his first question to me. Had an engaging discussion for a few moments after the presentation before I had to dart off. Quite a delightful presentation on the whole.

Dashed off to my masochistic appointment of the day. I went to the professors office, preempted my paper writing and proceeded to stay there for the next 7 hours straight doing nothing more than data entry and finishing the whole bloody deal. They were offering up to 15 hours at an hourly rate for the project. I am going to tell them it took that long, I want my money. I then had to wait an hour to catch a bus so I had a sinfully delightful and aptly named cranberry delight bar at Starbucks with a hot cider (which really was just overpriced apple juice but I am not complaining, I paid for it).

I then headed home for two surprises.
1. The pants I love and ordered didnt fit. Bloody thighs I dont care it it is muscle or not I hate that I can not find a pair of pants that would fit at my waist, length and around teh buggers. I guess trying to be positive wearing larger pants makes me look skinnier and thankfully they had the petite size 4 so no crying over spilt milk. I called in and exchanged them.
2. A substantial check from my mother, as a holiday gift.

Nearly gave me a heart attack (and heart issues do run in the family). The whole of my chest sunk into my stomach. Normally it would be nice to receive a gift of this size but in dealing with my mother there are so many issues. I could quite easily spend it all with out a second thought and it would most certainly be a slight reprieve from all this bleeding red I am doing as a poor graduate student. However, there are three bothersome things which I havent yet reconciled.

1. I havent spoken (ie on more than email) to my mother for nearly a year. We had a blow out about a year ago and I am taking some well deserved space. This has not been a bad thing, I have been able to balance myself better and I am slowly but surely figuring out my boundaries. However, my mother does not reconginze boundaries unless they are brutally put up to her. Calling to say thank you, which I would feel some what obliged to, is just the relaxation that the lady would take as an invitation to steam roll in, which I do not want.
2. With my mother nothing is ever done with out strings. Whether this is intentional or not on her part is moot. She does it, she does not recognize it and I have worked hard to cut all ties. A large gift in terms of money well.... while I could purchase some nice things and put the rest to good use does hang a bit over the head.
and
3. The guilt, yes how did you know I come from a good Catholic family with Sephardic Jewish ancestry, lucky I am that my Mother got that gene. I grew up with out much for finances and was always made well aware of this. My mother inhereted a sincere sum whilst I was in college and at the end of my college years I allowed her to help me out some. She has since blown through all of the monies and she has decided she just cant live with out certain things. Things that in all honesty a normal person recognizes are not necessary but for my mother and her Gucci-Pucci syndrome well... they are must haves (a 2K Chinese Crested dog- or as I call it rat on acid, and 1K for training and handling to champion it, note that this is the same dog that I kid you not saw its own tail move and RAN out of the room trying to get away from it, neurotic thing, guess dogs are like their owners). Long story short she has taken out more money against the house so that she can further fancy it up (which it doesnt need) and with part of the proceeds sent me this large check. I feel horrid taking from someone who doesnt have it to give in the first place. On the other hand as some one dear to me pointed out 1. it is a gift and if she gave it with attachments that is not my problem I do not have to accept them, and 2. if she didnt give the money to me, she would waste it on something else. At least I would be putting to better use even if I prattered some of it away.

The scariest thing of the above paragraph is that it demonstrates I am my just as neurotic as my mother and shoots all sorts of holes through my switched at birth argument (that and the fact that I am IDENTICAL to a great aunt on my father's side). DAMN DAMN DAMN

Came home relaxed for the evening and am preparing for a hellacious weekend of writing writing and more writing the joys of it all. Must get some drugged up sleep I think.
OK I am in one foul funk of a mood. I know it, you read and you know it, but it is paper time. What more do you expect?? Well you can expect it will most likely continue at par for the next couple of days.

However on the bright side I gave my presentation for one of my papers, only one more to go (on Monday) and the corresponding paper for today and monday are about 80% done. Which considering I started writing less than a week ago is a really good thing. Damn sight disappointing though as I am interested in this topic and wish I could give it more attention. I just about committed homicide during the presentation however. Michael is a childish twat, and really I have no hesitations in saying he honestly should be exterminated from the planet. So you go ahead watch lord of the rings during class, go ahead and IM with people- what ever, but dont make faces at me while I am on display. Today as I am on the spot and presenting the Portuguese welfare state, he is laughing and smirking at me. He is the slimiest creepy mofo and downright despicable. Turns out he also wanted to get my IM to send me a dirty IM while I was using my computer and presenting. Some one please help me I thought I left preschool.

I also managed for one of my shitty Monday classes to get back the notes on my "draft" (read updated recycling paper) and got an A-. Not bad for little to no effort. I think I can handle that. I will add a bit of what she wants after Thanksgiving and come up with some bullshit book review and hopefully wrap up an A in that class which will be nice and kind of ironic all in all as I honestly have not kept up with that class since about week three, and not interested in the least, just pulling shit out my arse.

And just for balance on the masochistic note... I have signed up this weekend (when I have to put toghether my presentation- ie Powerpoint, on the recycling paper; I have to polish up todays paper- due Tues, I have to write a paper due on Wednesday (may turn it in on Thursday/Friday, and I have to put together some bullshit draft for the other shitty Monday class) to do something more... What kind of fecking masochist am I you ask?? The one who wanted to work for this professor and make a good impression so I am going to be doing about 10-12 hours of data entry this weekend too. At least I get paid for it. Will be nice to have money come in instead of always going out.

God I will be so happy to die a peaceful death, if I ever am peaceful...

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

I am going to SCREAM at the very tippy top of my lungs. I am HATING being a graduate student. First I am trying to deal with the crunch of writing, but I cant find a single one of my fecking resources. I have some WONDERFUL articles that would make my life MUCH EASIER but no one in this backneck university triangle carries the two bloody, NOT OBSCURE mind you, journals that have 3 articles I NEED. And it is on a topic I REALLY like and will most likely write my thesis on. So of course all books are checked out, and no articles are available.

FUCKERS

I want to shoot myself right now and I will take applications for anyone who owns a gun and will shoot me.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

OK I am in the midst of the foul point of the semester where I must buckle down and actually produce something for the audacious people who expect me to turn something in (my professors). I have back-entered this past week, but I am not sure how much I will be able to keep up with during the next week or so, you will have to deal with this and wait till I am done analysing Portuguese welfare politics and EU structural funds (unless you really do want to hear about that...). Feel free to comment away- I will check in on the comments and I promise in the next couple of days to get the entries up to date.
I am so utterly and completely brain dead today it simply is not funny, not funny at all. I have spent all of today primarily in a haze, and a quite thick one at that. Honestly I should have been where I am now last week, there is a definite sense of pressure on me and I am not 100% comfortable with it. I am feeling like I have a potential I am not living up to, and for an over-achiever like me that is not good- not good or happiness inducing at all.

Here is a list of things I managed to blunder through today:
1. I drank from my professor's bottle of water not realizing it wasnt my own
2. When I was told I had done that I didnt recognize I had done that for 2 whole minutes.
3. I killed off my last brain cell by watching two VH1 shows- one on the search for the apple bottom girl (honey do not shake your ass like that you are going to set off a 7.9 quake on the richter scale. Also note to self Pink Unitard, black thong, "bubble" butt and shaking is going to haunt me for my life this evening forward), and the second was on the life of the Hilton Girls. I simply do not know what to do with them, their ability to toss money nor them. I am going to leave that sentence to effect even further how brain dead I am.
4. If that wasnt enough I forced myself to stay up and read one more chapter of a book that I should use for one of my papers- if I could figure out what that paper argue.

Honestly I am thinking shooting myself might be easier, surely I would look like less of an idiot. If everyone closes their eyes I bet you can even hear the BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Monday, November 17, 2003

Fuck fuck fuck. My digital camera was stolen a while ago, which since it was given to me really didnt make me happy, especially not when combined with my financial situation. I found an identical replacement on Ebay for $150 reasonable... and fuck fuck fuck I missed the auction deadline. I cant beleive it I was up and everything I just forgot. This soooooooo fucking sucks I wanted to get another digital NOW. Damn it damn it damn it, yes I like expletives, I like them even better when I repeat them.

Oh well at the end of it the price got jacked almost to what it could be purchased for new. Which sucks for me since I dont want to spend that much! But even more bothersome to me is simply that I dont get why you would buy on Ebay for the same price you could get brand spanking new? I guess you get caught up in the bidding but still, that is a bit out of control for me.

Anyways so I woke up this morning and was really surprised to see my roomate Julia dash off to the library at the crack of dawn. I asked her what the deal was, I mean the girl is ALWAYS holed away in the library. She made the comment that this program has had her by the balls since she got her and they are being twisted right now. This is the oddest thing to me. I know I have a background in this stuff but really I mean I just dont get it. Yes she does EVERYTHING that is recommended or assigned, and yes there is a lot, but its not like she trys to formulate it into some analytical thing she regurgitates in journalistic form.

It doesnt make sense, even though we are crunched I dont think it has anyone by the balls and I can not imagine literally spending 12 hours in the library 3 days in a row. Honestly at about hour 6-7 I loose my productivity and NEED a break. She is really nice and I know that she doesnt get a lot of stuff but really this morning was just odd.

However I have again spent a day where I am torn with my relationship with time... it often seems like where has the time gone and in the same moment it doesnt seem like it is that late. Can I never be in the middle for the bloody love of god? No Tink, happy medium does not exist in your world.... WOOOSH *as I spin from the time rushing by*

Oh well on a brighter front after two days of nose to the grind stone, I am about 99.5% done with all of the research. I have printed off my 37+ pages of notes to consolidate and flesh in for one of my papers. I should be done with this paper if I am a good girl with out having to pull any all nighters or all dayers by deadline. Actually the hope is before deadline. I am being the good no showering, in jammy's eating potato chips for dinner on the futon grad student, the least I can get for this is a paper.

However by the end of the day the following two statements well they say it all for me:
I am REALLY slow dont make any fast moves they will confuse me. and
Shit I am certifiably brain dead- please do not violate my do not recesuctate order please.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

All this bouncing around really does wreak havoc on my psyche sometimes. I am an adjustable person- honest- but when I am in the mind frame of "living" somewhere I take time to settle in and well there is no time for that here. I know that it is just something to sit and experience but sometimes it is just annoying.

I really hate like feeling like I am the third wheel. I hate feeling like I am always tacking on to things. I hate feeling like I am out of the loop and I hate not getting invited to things. I hate that I dont have a car so I always am dependant on others, I hate that I dont have all my things and 30 minutes into today, I hate today.

So could you just try to be a little bit nice and considerate please. I wake up to Becky at my place I guess Cec and Beck are making some nice breakfast for people and it seems I wasnt invited. That part isnt a big deal, I have class so that isnt the point. But at least while at my place you could try to make me feel like you might like me. I know Becky doesnt have anything against me and it is mostly just my paranoia but still come on.

So what did I do today, well I went to shitty class. Then I went to the library and researched, productively- very good (god I feel like I am writing in Bridget Jones diary), and then I went and did some retail therapy. Julia loaned me her car, it was supposed to be just a short run on errands, instead I was suctioned into it all. I cant afford it but I want I want I want and so I got I got I got. At least it was all on sale, and I will use it- Promise pocketbook.

Friday, November 14, 2003

Honestly I have no clue how I managed to wake up this morning. NONE whatsoever. I did however wake up and at an ungodly hour at that.

Even more amazing I woke up sober (well I wasnt really drunk last night- just tipsy) and the only remnant of all that alcohol I consumed was a dehydration headache which one liter of water and two alleve in class later was all taken care of. I managed to be alert and even made it to my internship counselling appointment early and did some reading and research.

Sober, productive, these are not adjectives last night I would have predicted being used in conjunction with today. I managed to talk with Ruth about my theis options when it came to locations and trying to arrange things on special arrangement. I did some Siena research and am getting excited about some of the classes, if only I could figure out the freaking dates of things... I ran into Dan, and then headed home to get a whole lot of nothing done. must kick ass into overdrive, and I really must do this soon.

Why I cant seem to stick to a "schedule" untill there is a looming deadline is beyond me but there it is and here I am- having all sorts of fun ignoring the fact that I have over 60 pages of writing to do and the accompanying research.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

It was a mixed an chaotic day, just the harbinger for the next month in my life. I am in utter amazement that basically in a month I will be done with classes and I will also be on a plane moving, yet again.
So I woke up and darted out the door to class, I went to the library to research, I met with a professor and then headed to class. And I found out that it turns out I was kind of left out of Cec's bday last night which felt like shit. It wasnt done intentionally but when I havent really known people for long I can be paranoid about judging their intentions.

Regardless I sucked up my do you or dont you want me around feelings and went out with Martin for his birthday. We brought champagne and cheesecake to his apartment and then went up to a bar on campus and then to another bar, that I am pretty sure is a drug front. I drank so much I should have hit the floor, mind you when you add that I am petite and dont drink often, therefore I should have little to no tolerance. Most of my friends were impressed, most of my class mates wanted to see me full on dance on top of the bar drunk.

In a span of 3 hours I drank the following in this order: 2 flutes of champagne, an amaretto sour, a double amaretto sour, a double tequila shot, a 1.5 surfer on acid shot, a double midori sour, a few sips of a Yingling (beer/lager- bubbles and taste which did NOT make my stomach happy) and then a full Belgian Lambic (beer) that I like drinking but at the very end of the night didnt make my stomach happy either. And remarkably I managed in my high and pointy heels to walk with out any issue at all. Thank god for alcoholic grandparents and their genetics, and thank god for me not putting it to test that often, cause tonight was MORE than enough for me. More than enough for me, to FALL right into my bed at approximately 4:30am.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

I know I am in the calm before the wake comes FLYING at me. You know those two seconds that seem to be in slow motion before the 20 bullets all come at you simultaneously. That vast period where you know you should be doing things but you really dont want to. It seems that I dont know how to do anything during that time to brace myself against the waves... SO instead I waste time away. And it flys right by with no recollection of what happened to it, what you did with it, or anything to show for it. Actually you have what I did today a scrambled day where you go to class you run around a bit like a chicken with your head cut off, and you come home to do nothing and let the evening wither away.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Finally the weather fairy has figured out that it is November! That means I can wear warm weather clothes. I dont have all of them but I have enough to have fun in the sunny crisp coolness of today!

It is Monday I did go to class and well it wasnt that exciting. I also had a load of things to take care of but didnt get to all of them hell I didnt get to half of them. I love making lists- especially when I can tick things off on them. Now if I could get my act together maybe I might be able to get things done and ticked off the list. I am a typical ADHD child easily distracted and weak to peer pressure. Oh well.

So instead of researching at the library, I made and frosted cupcakes. It is Cec's birthday tomorrow and so we made treats for everyone. Now I had a sureal and disturbing evening thanks to this. First of all we made strawberry delight cupcakes with creamcheese frosting, gel frosting decorations with sprinkles and jellybeans. I ate one and came down with a case of green sprinkles mouth.

What is green sprinkles mouth you ask?? Well it is where I normally hyper, hit new levels of meaning for that word. First of all I twitch and bounce off walls, then I proceed to find things funny that while they are are some what frightening to others not riding along with me on my high, and then the topper I watch the fecking Chipmunk Adventure movie on Icontrol (that is a cable tv option).

Yes the cartoon chipmunks Alvin, Simon, Theodore. But this movie had the added benefit of the Chippettes too, Brittany, Jeanette, and Eleanore. Am I frightening you yet- no. Well we sang along with some of the songs and watched the 80's version of a chipmunk boy band high pitched dance vidoe (dancing drawn alla flashdance) while they were travelling all over the world via airballons. Had a very un-PC moment when the Chippettes were taken hostage by some arab boy/prince in a turban head gear who said he would keep them and make them his wives. Also has a evil man with two tone hair.

OH yes boys and girls I had one hell of a sugar high and crashed really hard too. My head hurts! Who needs drugs when you have sugar, then again the twinkie defense proves that a court of law/jury thinks sugar overdose is enough of an excuse to pardon homicide so I am waiting for the government to ban my favorite substance of choice.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Does anyone else find it ironic that I can be cynical and negative in thought (sometimes life too) and when I get to my research I inherently/instinctually choose the most optimistic theory and spin on the situation I look to explain out there. I cant decide it that is because at heart I am an optimist and that it is popping out despite my conditioning. Or if it is something else, that I truly am negative and maybe I am using these outbursts to strike some kind of balance or that I am just not smart enough to go with my true gut. I don’t like to think the worst of people. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and myself included. Just some thing that made me think and wonder about in my constant search for balance, and what I truly am (see I never saw balance growing up and I sure as hell don’t have a firm grasp on what is truly me yet and what it is that I have take on from others and their conceptions or needs that they need).

On the studies front it really is a rough transition to go back to school. I did not anticipate this. I anticipated being excited to be in classes, and I am. I anticipated going in debt freaking me out- I am in debt and it has freaked me out. But the whole transition part, that is painful. Yes I am a better student for knowing the value of education v. the "real world" and the desire I have but getting back into the writing front this is painful. I have spent today making a dent- most of my research for paper one is done. I have a list of emails to send out and forms to fill- I love paper work, and 60 pages of writing is not enough I need more "administrative things" to do in my life. I have three papers due in less than three weeks not to mention visas to obtain and internships to apply for and I am currently working my way quite nicely towards an MA in Procrastination. One more degree to add to the list.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

I have had the most wasteless day I think can be possible. I woke up late. And I have the whole apartment to myself. Good I am alone. Bad I am stuck cause I dont have a car and cant get anywhere- weekend bus schedule is beyond shite. SO I sat at home and watched TV all day. I am so pathetic that I watched "cult movies" all day. It started with Star Wars attack of the clones, then I watched both Harry Potter's and then on to George Carlin's stand-up. I did at least knit while I was watching so I have finished sock #1 and a sixth of the way through sock #2.

I tried to do my research and reading today. Honestly I did but incanting my theme of the day (cultishness)- I love the EU sung to the hare krishna tune did not work. I avoided all contact with my research for papers that are going ot be due in less than 3 weeks. I really should find out more about that hare krishna cult though, I havent a clue about them except 1. they like to use gold face paint in odd places, and 2. they want to save me but I must make a donation for the book that will help me??

My previous university seems to be quite odd. I am not used to this college town-ness. We had Giddeons but no hell and damnation preachers, and along with the lack of religious theme to our campus there were no hare krishnas. Here in CH there are 2-3 of them I have seen consistently. They are all over and I see them almost everyday, always singing that hare hare krishna song. nice for the first two minutes annoying as all hell when you cant move (cell phone wont get reception) and you are stuck for 2 hours (dealing with cell phone company over them screwing up the bill).

Oh well I am kind of in a cult anyways- graduate school.

Friday, November 07, 2003

WTF! What kind of karma did I crack up in my previous life to get hit with all this shit this week. What is it with others and this whole passive agressive thing. I am going crazy. C-R-A-Z-Y. I am not a fragile flower whose petals will fall if you say something, just fucking say what ever is your issue and say it to my face.

M. tonight went out with us. We went to this great bar/pool hall/live band place that had great beer (I drank beer hear that!!) But he got "uncomfortable" and completely shut down. It was "not his kind of place." So we left to make him happy after the (great jazz) band hit intermission and headed to the College Meat Market Bar he wanted to go to. He got crabby that he wasnt in control (Cec was driving, parking somewhere other than what he wanted) and then when we got to the bar and had to pee he got pissed that we took around 10 minutes. Buddy we had to pee and pee bad; we werent happy about the line either. SO he got all quiet and pissy and then he decided to get up and act like he was going to the bar and didnt come back. He also wouldnt pick up when we called. I am utterly appalled. This is so 3 years old and so like what I just went through with J. I dont have children yet for this exact reason, why have my own when I am constantly being presented with these surrogates. M. really needs to expand his horizons and deal with his shit, otherwise when we are abroad he is going to miss out on almost everything.

Regardless I am sooo on such a short fuse with this kind of bubbling over take it out on others, do things to intentionally hurt someone else- passive agressive shit. SOOOOOO on such a short fuse.

Even worse before we went out I felt horrid. I felt like I badgered around a friend tonight and I really feel bad about it. There were things about the way I have felt because of the situation in the past few days that I had to express to her- since she in part was doing them also, but at the same time I wasnt trying to hurt her. And in no way was I saying that I dont love her, I do most sincerely- feck she is like my sister. She probably doesnt realize how much that means to me to have a sister like her. That does not mean that I am not bothered by her actions in some instances. Just that I was a bit disappointed that no one stood up for me, even when they would say that the shit was wrong. I want people to quit tiptoeing around because other people will "be bothered." If you have something to say say it, say it with tact but say it. Dont try, dont run away, dont enable others- step up and do it. I know that this whole ordeal is tearing her apart and honestly I dont want to do anything but protect her from what I just went through with J. I know it is going to happen but I am slowly realizing I cant protect her. In honesty my attempts to protect her are probably what leads to her feeling like she is in the middle- that and she is sad for what happened. Which she shouldnt be, its not her fault and honestly there was nothing more than smoke and mirrors there anyways. I didnt lose a single damn thing. Still it sucks, kind of like watching a train wreck as it happens.

The other part of this all is that it is a draining circle I just want to stop but once it starts to come out I havent learned quite yet how not to let it all out. Honestly I have let it out as much as I can and I do not want to be the one who keeps it alive. For me the whole J. debacle is done and over and I do not need to revisit any of it again.
As always there are two sides to each coin- one's weakness is one inherent strength. If I could figure out how to capitalize on that I could make one great infomercial. That or sell it to Ron Popeil.

As for being a grad student I have almost finished with my presentations- my research papers that is another issue. As for presentation I knocked off another one today and my presentation rocked if I do say so myself, and the prof did too. Feels kind of good to know that some one else has had to rely on you as an authority for the information in a class setting (yup I think I really might like being a prof... I just might). Especially when you respect that other person as an intelligent being. I lead a pretty good class and got a decent discussion going. I think I get a cookie for that!

It has in general been a shitty day though draining me to the bone (it getting dark earlier doesnt help either). However demented optimist I am I wanted to start off with something positive. I am being forced to deal with someone who is not only childish/immature, but also disrespectful, hypocritical and a passive agressive coward. I hate dealing with it because it brings out some of my own insecurities. It makes it tiring for me and in all honesty it feels like I am torn away from some of the grains of who I am. I hate that on some occasions I have to sacrifice who I am to deal with others. That I have to sacrifice my holidays so that another friend doesnt get put in the middle. It utterly bites- especially when I am the only one making the sacrifices (my holidays) and I am not the one who started the ball rolling!

In actuallity I really do hate that I live in a world where everything is interdependant. Ironically it is that exact characteristic which excites me so much in the research I do but the fact of the matter is I am a control freak. The conundrums of a shitty day and a two sided coin.

However again to alternate/balance between my bipolar tendancies and be positive again I have one of the best roomates. She knew I was feeling shitty cause with out transport I can be a bit isolated and after today and the petty shit I had told her about from J. she roused up a group of the crew and called me up to come get me to go hang out with them and lift my spirits some. You know sometimes you just luck into things, other times you have good people in your life. Cant let one stroppy lard arsed cow taint the view for everyone else now can I, not with Cec around to save the day.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

You know there are days you have revelations about people that you thought you knew something about or might have even been friends with. Every day you learn something. Today I managed to swallow my "pride." I have yet to determine if I think that is a good thing. I made an effort to make something better that I knew was petty and not my fault- I did not break it, and if I did well then it was way to fragile to have been anything in the first place. I also learned that well sometimes it just isnt worth it to extend someone a benefit they simply dont deserve. God getting older and more cynical sucks.

It is always amazing to me how things get tipped upside down. When you hear things only from one perspective and then you hear what the other party has to say and voila- no more anger only pity. I pity J. immensely and I can now put together a lot of pieces of the puzzle. I definitely do not understand why she would act this way, but I sure as hell can attribute it to her being a seriously deficient person who well in no uncertain terms deserves my pity. You have to be pretty low on the totem pole to get my pity, J. hit bottom peg.

Regardless of that experience framing my day I actually had a really exciting thing happen. A well respected professor gave a presentation for our group. This is someone who does what I want to do and is at a location that well would he agree to assist me would give me a distinct boost in the PhD process. And after the question section when I asked if I could contact him about my potential thesis he not only told me I could but that I should come to his institute to use their resources. This could be a coup d'etat that would surely be icing on my cookie! Not to mention that he has one of those great british accents, thank god I am not doing my research there I might just well....

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

You know it is going to be an interesting day when you get on the freak show called the bus and your day starts as follows. On my ride to class this morning I encountered 1. The Mexican lady with a bandana tied around her nose covering her mouth muttering the rosary while making teh cross the whole bus ride- thanks I feel safe now, 2. The fashion faux pas du jour- overweight woman wearing gym shorts (white with black underware) and t-shirt with high heels, yes a pair of white/light pink high heeled sandals with bows on them, and finally # 3. The lady (around 30) who seriously looks normal till she smiles at you and well has NO front teeth at all (can anyone say Gum Job- ewwwww). Add into that the twats who get on the bus for all of 3 blocks at designated intervals to make me late when I am already scrambling and you have a wonderful start to the day.

Anyways I got to be a know it all in class today. We had a representative from the EU giving a presentation on something directly related to research I did and presented during the WTO Seattle Ministerial. So I got to look smart and ask incisive questions and then also add material to his answers to other questions. Even got thanked at the end of it. It feels good to be smart.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Today is one great Monday. I am breaking with tradition! No frustrations to vet in this weeks pattern. It is just grand! Yes my pretties I ditched my morning class cause I found out that my afternoon class was cancelled. My normal day of frustration was completely alleviated no stupid classes, no listening to stupid topics, no stupid comments.

I went running and then took a shower got ready relaxedly. Went in to campus with Cec, read out on the patio at campus (it may be November but no one remembered to tell the weather fairy that part), got to catch up with Megan. I really do adore her she is just sweet as can be and really all around fun to be with. Afterwards I headed to the library where I piled up like the PS Geek I am and brought home 10 books of research. All I need right about now is a pair of glasses to complete the picture- any one got a spare?

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