Monday, December 29, 2003

Well I have decided for this holiday time I havent been entering dailies and am not going to back enter for dates either. Honestly I could. However, that week in particular that is missing would have been quite a stressed and a whinging week and as it happens I am tired of whinging incessantly on this blog. I am trying to figure out how to give it some voice, a bit more than just the inane shit which happens in my life and what being a graduate student is like. I may try some memes for thought and I dunno. And yes that mullet-guy needs a hair cut but it was a site I found through a link. I am hoping before I leave Belgium for France to have done some redesign on the site to at least make it a bit more interesting to look at. That way if I link onto any rings etc at least I dont look like an utter prat (prat is ok utter is not acceptable). That is if I can get my puter up and juiced. But more than anything shit has happened and I am over that and now; I have things to do. Lets just say some things came back in my life, bit me in the ass and made my life hell. But it has passed somewhat and I am in Belguim. I will straighten it out and be much happier in a few days- I hope. And my new classes are starting in ACK 9 days, oh yeah and I have to find a place to live and interview for an internship and actually get to France. Dear Buddha WHERE does time go? And why must things rapid fire in my life?? Oh well dem's the shots shot at me, now its time to sew up the bullet holes.

As for right now I am staying with Zed and Twat for the next couple of days, and yes she actually calls him a twat most of the time too. Not to mention the three children, one of whom squeals at pitches that only dogs can hear and is near breaking glass. I am counting the days till that boy's voice changes, that and threatening to shove a sock down his throat if he throws another temper tantrum (no he is not three he is ten). Quite happily I am knitting them and will be done with my pair socks probably tonight, may even start a new one. I know my life is dull what did you expect for me to entertain you? I am not the circus monkey- circus freak maybe, monkey no.

I have spent most of the day quite pathetically on the internet (trying to resolve above said annoyances) And have a few more to deal with today also. However I did manage to wake up before noon- thanks to Zed coming to wake me up. She does a much better version than her son who yesterday knocked on my door opened it said are you awake? I said no and he left. Some way to wake me up. Hurmphf. Maybe just maybe I will manage to get on European time after all. I then was able to call and I think UPS will actually ship my item to the freight forwarder who will get it to me since the damn company charged me a ransom for the box I needed the most and well it didnt arrive when they said it would. Surprise surprise- little tip USE FEDEX!! After that I dealt with Dell. I dont think I am complex. All I want to do is purchase a power cord for my adapter. Actually two- one that works in France and one that works in Italy. Yes I know and you know that the AC adapter already has a converter included- its the Dell people who could not get that straight. Nor could they seem to understand the part where I said- I am looking for a cord that has a plug that will work in Europe ***NEWSFLASH*** the US cord I have WILL NOT work here. And I have no proclivity to be electrocuted or destroy something that I havent paid off yet. Twats! Have to love computer companies. Try to do something simple and no one can take their thumb out of their backside long enough to get it right.

I am in a flemish suburb apparantly as I everytime I look at some of the mail I am seeing this gobbledygook and I occasionally flick by it on the television. I wish I could say there was more to it. I might see if I can convince them to take a day trip to Antwerp, and I have promised to go take the kids iceskating (more appropriately use them as landing pands or sliding ones). Maybe it will be exciting, maybe it will be relaxing- I did get to go on a big ferris wheel with wonderful views of the Christmas Market. I am supposed to go to the sauna, but that could induce nightmares. Zed has threatened to go in with choccie sauce smeared over herself, marshmellows stuck on, starkers wearing only a red wig thumping on her chest. I know that cant be sanitary, and I am not quite sure what it might do to my precious sensibilities. Let alone what little I have preserved of my sanity. The joys of life.....

Friday, December 26, 2003

I have had a wonderful christmas holiday. I was woken up this morning with the lovely Zed yelling at me to stick my head under the shower for a wash so I could open my pressie. I got a lovely bracelet, actually by the end of the day I had three of them. Ill get to that later.

Most of the day was low key. I watched british television. I love the BBC. I got to watch Eastenders, though I dont know what has been going on for months since BBC America has pulled it. Zed and Twat made me feel right at home having a foul mouthed shouting match while making dinner. I ate Ostrich- yes that traditional holiday meat. It actually wasnt bad at all. I had some tater tots and if I call them snow peas, Zed will shoot me so I had a few bites of mange tout. They are convinced that I subsist on air. Its not true I just graze all day.

And after dinner I got the best gift of all. A pair of black maribou trimmed handcuffs. See I told you I got three bracelets. I have now been informed that I must pull while I am here on the continent ;) I tried to call my mother, only it seems she wasnt home. I left a message- will try once more before I head to bed.

Anyways it has been just lovely and relaxing just what I needed, after my hellish departure. Tomorrow I get to go and find the correct plug adapter- Italy has different plugs than France. Bloody Europeans- shite I am one of them and I am here.... That and I am going to take Zed's sproglets iceskating. And call back to the states to hopefully clear up the mess I left hanging, not by my preference. Lets all hope that it goes easily and resolves with out drama.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Merry Merry Christmas Eve to you all...

Well I have some how managed to make my way out of the country. My last couple of days were more than traumatic. And there was a fair amount of time that I didnt think I was going to make it out. But I am lucky enough to have people who were there for me. I will back enter the blog for the last couple of days in the next couple of days. Life has been chaotic and well.... I made it out of the bloody country. That is all that matters, and I am in the wonderful country of Belgium.

It is my second day here and am having a jolly time. I slept really well and late despite living in a freezer. I will admit I am always cold. I used to be able to blame that on low body fat, its not as low any more- so I will blame it on blood circulation. Good thing I am staying in the attic, heat rises. I can feel my toes- through the two layers of socks :)

We went to the grocery store. I love grocery stores in foreign countries. I can wander them for hours. I go in and look at all the new kinds of food. It is odd, being that I am a finicky eater. For whatever reason, I enjoy it and end up trying more foods than normal. Probably because I dont know what it is or have never tried that and the picture looks nice. I went into town and had lunch at the Quick with
Quickos. Always happy he is. We then went and wandered around town. Brussels is really interesting. I have managed to make some of my French work, and I had the coffee man ask me if I was from Brussels. Dont know why he asked that, I am sure my French sounds like shite, but it was nice.

I saw the Grand Place, with its building covered in blue house techno lights. That and the nativity scene that is surrounded by glowing farm animals. And then the baby Jesus looked like a toy doll. I find it more than slight disturbing, I dont know if donkeys are meant to have neon green glowing underbellies, or if cows are meant to be neon pink either.

After that we went around to the Christmas Market. Saw some fabulous merry go rounds. The kind I wanted to go climb on, yes that cool. After which Zed and Twat walked around with me. I couldnt convince them to go iceskating with me or on the Ferris Wheel, but I found hot chocolate. Actually since I am a posh girl that is chocolat chaud. I also went and tried a candy. Always a safe try. I offered to pay to try one but the nice vendor said no. I love that. Makes me feel special, even if Zed made fun of me for only wanting to buy one.

It was great to wander around. Best way to spend a Christmas Eve. I am loving it and Zed and Twat are great. The Twat has provided translation serves. Who knew that when I was saying fuck off that I was telling people that I "would think about it" in Flemish. It has been lovely, I have had a servant of sorts, getting all my drinks brought to me and my bags carried for me. I think I am going to have a wonderful trip here.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Well today is one of those days. You know the kind that I wish I could pretend to be someone else. I am feeling alone and isolated. My roomates are leaving me and I am feeling well surprisingly sad. I am going to miss them more than I would have thought. Irrational feeling so alone and sad. I know as I will see people tomorrow and Friday and Saturday and I am flying out to Brussels on Monday. I am also feeling so dependant on others and unable to do things for myself. Being this needy is not something I am happy about. I should be excited about all that I have in front of me but I am still a bit scared about the enormity of the things I am doing in my life. Must get back to just doing the next step in front of me. But right now I am frustrated and tired and well.... life sounds perfect and I know that tons of people would love to have my "problems." Hell there are some 40+ applicants already for next years program but man there are days it sucks and I just want to be done with it. I am crabby why do I need to be rational about it.

I woke up finished my reading/exam prep and headed into town. I took my exam for two hours- two hours I wont get back in my life, after which I went through financial aid hell. This all meant I called Mom. Since I havent talked to her in a year and I am not exactly on the best of closest terms it was well.... a bit more than akward. I have done the most uncomfortable of it and all fingers are crossed. I got my hair colored, and it is WAY darker than I expected and really wanted. Its a pretty dark chocolate brown. My natural red is gone, I really dont like that. But its too late to do anything about that.

And then my day took an up turn, which I have been seriously jonesing for, many a day I have been waiting for it. I am sooooo fucking thrilled. I went home to the apartment after looking at some pants at the Gap. Which by the way could the stupid place figure out that there are short people on this planet. Oh yeah and we would like to get some jeans too. The best part of getting home was finally getting an email from Tyler. He is supposedly in New Zealand the ass. But it looks like we might at least find the boxes, supposedly they are "guaranteed" to be here on Friday. I would love to get them before I leave but I am not going to hold my breath. However if I do you will hear me screaming from the roof tops about it for sure on Friday. The fact that I have set up to be able to get them forwarded to me in Paris makes life better at least. If you push and nag enough it just might get you where you want to go. You never know. At least he's not ignoring me.

After that I sold my futon. I probably could have gotten more for it but I am so relieved to have the bugger sold that I am just took the money and skipped off quite happy to sleep on the living room futon.

Afterwords my roomate Julia and her friend Ryan convinced me to go out to a bar. We headed to East End where I got drunk kissed by a cute rugby boy. Havent been drunk kissed in a long time, reminded me what I have been missing and rugby boy- HELLO?? Yes most rugby boys are yummy! Came home and saw a rerun of Jay Leno with his headlines. Showing Peter Pan Peter Butter for sale. Life is great. So it is real, I am me not someone else today. My life is not all roses, but has a few bees up my nose occasionally. And some how sometimes somethings do manage to go right. I am going to enjoy that bit for one day I think.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

I spent most of today packing. I have been feeding off of Cecily's moving vibe. I helped her get her stuff to her car. I then kept packing and packing and packing some more, getting most of my stuff into boxes or bags, about 2/3-3/4 of it, which is pretty damn good if you ask me. I am leading such a dull life. I said my good bye to Cecily which was really depressing. Kind of a check with reality. Yes you are moving AGAIN, and the community you have managed to create around you is going to be broken up again. Great.... I also found out that there is something up with my credit report. Not a good thing actually. I am not happy at all with this. Unfortunately I do not have the time to clear it up while I am here, which is only going to make the situation more of a pain in my ass. I am sure I am going to become more and more emotional as things go on but for today it was low key and I tried not to cry as I said good bye.

Packing, saying good bye to Cecily, and starting to study for tomorrows exam. Yeah thats my life all jet setting and fun. Just like Paris Hilton. Yeah....

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Today is a bitching day. If you dont want to hear me whinge might as well turn yourself right back around from whence you came. I got a list and I am going to get it out somehow.

1. I HATE the exchange rate. It sucks so bad right now and means I am going to go more in debt than I had anticipated. Add that to the money I thought I would get that I didnt and then the money I have whizzed through... and well you get me practically broke and taking out more money. Which with my debt paranoias alla Maman means I am a veritable nutcase. I get to apply for private loans here today. Means I will get more money and not be so paranoid, but will be in more debt thus actually yes I will be more paranoid.

2. I HATE the fact that we cannot seem to get our furniture shit stolen. We went around today and printed up the flyers and posted them damn near everywhere we could find a place to put them. Would the fecking people call me now??? PLEASE SOMEONE BUY IT!! We will give you a cheap price and deal!

3. Not thrilled at all about packing. It aint fun, realizing the things that you need to get and the shit you need to sift through and get into boxes. Would be a lot more fun if I could get my other boxes that are supposedly being shipped to me. See I trusted my "friend" Tyler and well he supposedly sent them some time before Thanksgiving and they are no where to be seen. I got 3 boxes to go through and repack cause they have to be reshipped out to Paris. Yeah and I got less than 5 days on that one. That is a pleasure spot inducer all right, I am going to do something unspeakable to his if he doesnt call me back soon.

4. I got grades today and am definitely a bit pissed. I didnt do as well as I expected. And it was in the class I supposedly owned. I guess I didnt put the effort I should have into my paper, but he knew that sources were sparce and still raked me over the coals for it.

5. Cec leaves tomorrow basically and I am going to be mostly alone. For the next couple of days and also isolated cause I am with out transport/dependant on trying to get around via friends or the bus. Neither is happiness.

6. My digital camera was stolen earlier semester. I should have replaced it then but I didnt and know I have to pay out (would have had to then too but it would be done already). I am well past the halfway point in earning my MA in procrastination. If you want to know why this one is bothering me please refer to #1

7. Well I really ought to stop whinging. I am not sure I want to as I am on some kind of seeming negative tear but I am going to try and turn it around with the last two of the list.

8. I have got half of my stuff that I do have here packed up.

9. I feel like I accomplished something today, which doesnt seem to take that much... and I got two holiday cards. Those are positive things right?

10. Ok so I can count. Shut it I am a grad student, you can bugger off if you dont like the way I count. Well what, you want me to go on to another and write three good things... Shit I dont know if I can do that..... Ok I'll try. I havent been coughing barely at all and it isnt deep in my throat any more.

So there. That is my deal for today. Tomorrow I am thinking I am going to run around a bit and help Cec. Try to prep as best I can for my exam and flip my paper around some.

And I promise that after this next week I should go back to telling funny stories about what has happened in my day since I am hoping some of the pressure will decrease, at least some. For a while.... :)

Come on back y'all:

The one saving grace of this is that I am going to get to go to Brussels in 7 days!! Getting to visit two people I am, despite all warnings and frightening stories... looking forward to meeting and a city despite Cec's disparaging comments I am looking forward to seeing also.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Well yes I woke up late to the same news as all of you. Yes they caught Saddam. To me that doesnt mean much. I try to keep most of my political opinons off here and keep them limited to what I feel in my life. And while I may be a political science there is more to me and that is what this blog is about. Others do the political blogs way better than I have the time or effort to.

In honesty I am a bed wetting liberal. Would be a socialist if I lived in a country I thought it was plausible, but I dont right now (that will change in the week), so I settle for democrat. I resign myself to being vitriolic about Bush. I voted for Gore so it is my right to bitch all I want. I am a part of the system that was screwed by an elitist system that is outdated and makes a mockery of calling this nation itself a democracy. I hate Bush and his economic policies. They are fucking me over on both student loans but also with exchange rates, which are going to make Paris PAINFUL. Not to mention what he is doing to the country and is going to leave to my kids- that is if I raise them here. Is it going to stop up the rest of the hypocricy no. Is it going to make me any safer, again No. Is it making me proud to have been born in this unfortunate country NO. Am I hopeful about the elections. Well I am glad not to be here listening and dealing with it. Yes I would love to passionate about a campaign, but I am grateful to not have to listen to all the TV ads too. I will vote, but I am not holding my breath. Bush has his daddy's genes and his daddy is notorious for the shady shit he has pulled to win elections (most notable was in relation to the Iran hostages). For chrissake the man has ran the CIA and you want to trust him or his spawn?

Now off my political rant of the day from having been connected to CNN with an IV and listening to a whole bunch of bunk.

As for the rest of the day. We packed some and went through more shit. Headed over to Martin's. Watched a bit of TV/Movie and then played Trivial Pursuit. I swear every time I play that game two things happen. 1. every question I could know the answer to is one I am asking- not asked. and 2. they go longer than eternity itself. I was nodding off there towards the end that is for sure.

Came home and to bed. I really need to get back to the grind for my last class I have to finish up. Gah I was enjoying being a nothingness sooo much.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Today is my recovery day. I am recovering from being a graduate student. It never fails to amaze me. 1. I wantd to do this. 2. I am paying to do this. 3. I am doing this!! 4. This isnt what I thought it would be and of course to make the nubers seem nice 5. besides everything else I am enjoying it- but its not what I expected thats for sure.

So in the effort to not use my brain at all I woke up watched tv. I can tell you that I saw the most disturbing documentary on child pagents. It was from the mid 1990s and I can only imagine how fucked up the 4 year olds we saw on the show are now. It was terrifying. Utterly terrifying. I had no idea what to do with it. One lady bought her 4 year old a $1000 costume for the competition. And the saddest thing is that you can see the kids are miserable. It is the worst of middle America as far as I am concerned. Only one step away from white trash. I know that sounds harsh and some kids really do like doing it etc. I am not talking about them. I am talking about the lady who starts her daughter at it when she is 4 months and makes her go once a week 500 miles round trip for singing lessons (and yes the kid is still off key), and has a calendar of 40 competitions a year. It was sincerely like watching a trainwreck. I couldnt pull myself away from it but I really did want to shoot myself.

After the disturbances me Cecily and Julia G. went to the mall. Unfortunately Cec wore a t-shirt and me a turtleneck and she put the heat on to the point that I got nauseous. No I didnt loose the chunks in the car. I managed to lay down and get some cold air my way and made it to the mall in one piece. I did however when we left the parking lot on the 2 mile trek to the mall get light-headed. Seems my diet of cough syrup and vitamin c drops combined with doing nothing and sitting on my ass reading/writing/studying meant that I was not doing so good. I marched myself straight to the nearest curb sat down for a few. Cooled off and then marched myself straight to the food market. Ate a sandwich and felt MUCH better.

We shopped around a bit. I managed to control myself fairly decently so I am not too concerned about it. Didnt buy much and what I did I needed. Unfortunately I didnt get to REI. Good thing it looks like I can convince Dan to go with me when we go to see the Lord of the Rinds next week.

We came home and vegetated in front of the TV again. That is really nice. I am not even feeling guilty. I am hoping that I dont fall into some pit. Anywas at some point I went and got ready and went to Megan's party. It was nice but really I dont have the energy for it. And I am tired. I want to sleep. So at about midnight we all said bye and I came home, curled up in PJ.s and watched tv.

I am grateful that my cough starting to calm down some. Grateful for that, but I am sure I just jinxed myself and I will cough up some lung or something here shortly.

Friday, December 12, 2003

I just realized why I have been going through a bottle of cough syrup a day. Assholes have made the bottle look deceptively the same, but its half the size. Of course I am chugging 4 oz. a day! One more way they want to try and get their hands on my money. GRRRRR....

I have seen the light of day again. I almost didnt know what to do with the light coming from the big ball in the sky. I am only used to flourescent lights and oh yes they are different.

I have spent the past week or so holed up in my apartment, or as I call it the cave. Our main room/kitchen has no window. Big space, where I want to study, no view on the world. And honestly no way to know when it is. People ask me why I live with my watch on. Well following up on yesterday, I quite easily loose track of and in fact the concept of time. I can have a hard time remembering what day it is and what time it is if I am engrossed enough, sometimes even my name. But with my Ironman watch (given to me at the finish line of my first triathlon by my best cheerleader) I can startle myself back to reality.

Anyways, what this means is that I have lost a week of my life to this apartment. In the past three days I have left the apartment something like 4 times (2 trips to get cough syrup, 1 walk to clear head, and 1 time to take out the garbage).

I am sure this is exactly what all of you who might ever consider graduate school would want to hear life is like. But alas it tis. Though it has all had one very positive side effect (cold and hermitical tendancies), I have lost almost 5lbs. Sure it will probably all come back, once I go off my Vitamin C drops and Cough Syrup diet; and maybe some of it was atrophy, I havent actually used my legs that much I am not sure they will support me. But it was sure fun to see that number on the scale!

I am now the proud owner of my passport again. This time its got a Visa in it! Sure wish I could go shopping on that one. Means I can go to France and be confused in about two weeks. I also had a final for my theory class. Think I did pretty damn good if I do say so myself. Still wating to hear the grades makes me a bit antsy.

We all went out after class for drinks at Lucy's and had a great time. Wandered around town trying to find another place to hang out. Turns out the whole town is shut down because of finals. Seems pretty lame if you ask me. Finally found a deuling piano bar that was a pretty shady place. Piano man was a pure ass. He came after Cec and she saw vivid red. Went after the man and well lets just say we left there and have a damn good story about our last night out together :) She was pretty pissed for the rest of the night and we headed home shortly there after. Dan and Martin showed up and crashed in on us. Dan ended up falling asleep on Julia's bed and the boys headed home with us going to bed, really tired.
Whew, good thing I got all that out of my system. Definitely enough psycho babble. You may now welcome me back to the world of the sarcastic. Now on to the ranting, I am world famous for (ok so only a few continents, shut it, you picky sods :)

Today well today is an annoyed day. I am sure the fact that I have a wracking cough (my fault should listen to my body more and stop things early when I have the chance) and an exam tomorrow arent contributing in the least to my bitchiness. At least if I down the cough syrup on schedule (just like those little blue pills...) it stops long enough to prevent me from making a shit load of typos. However as a bright note. This time on Monday I will have successfully finished my first semester as a grad student; and done decent enough for myself if I do say so myself. Amazing to think that this time last year I was filling out applications, I am now taking exams and writing papers, and next year this time I will be graduating! That whole concept of time, gets me every time. What a whirlwind. I have come a long way baby.

Now to the important parts.
Stupid annoying people.

You know there are some kinds of people that just tie my tits in a knot before grating them. Oh yeah I gots me a string of them. Right up there on the list are those people who try to tear down other people to make themselves feel better. I am sorry but honestly if I have to climb over other people to get to the top, to like myself, or to have friends- no way Jose. Fuck that Ill go find me a cave and eat grubs. Hell it might take that last 5lbs off me.

The other kind are those who are excruciatingly hypocritical and projective. Please I would rather have you projectile vomit on me than your damn issues. I have recently been accused of being selfish (by some one who is not too far from self-centered herself). Well, what is my response you ask? Of course I am Dippy the Shit Stick! Damn proud of it too.

Call me self-indulgent if you so choose, doesnt bother me in the least. There is no way I can be the kind, giving and supportive bitch I am if I dont take care of myself. Kind of a paradox- being selfish leads to being self-less. Doesnt sound like it works, but if you look at the bare bones of the logic it makes sense (yeah yeah I am a geek I do that. Shoot me, go ahead I dare you. The values and means often are more important to me than the ends). I give my time, I do my best to be supportive regardless of the reasons for the situation, I am there for friends no matter what the needs are or where they are. And I have even been known on occassion to do things at my own expense to help others out who I care about.

No I am not patting myself of the back, I am trying to make a point.
*CLAP* *CLAP* attention.
No way in hell could I do any of that if I didnt take care of myself first and have my priorities in a semi-reasonably straight line. I wouldnt be in that place if I wasnt selfish about my needs. Again this is just one more instance of the bipolar existences of my life. No I am not mental (at least not that way). But as often happens in my land, I am stuck in the exact opposites of a situation at the same second. Got to love life dontcha?

Go and take some time to put yourself first in your own life.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

I am going to put up yesterdays post and todays. I was initially hesitant putting out my feelings because of what some people were perpetuating. Then some very kind people promptly brought me back to reality. I had two main reasons for writing this blog. One was to keep everyone who wanted to be, up to date on me. The other was to have a place where I could honestly express myself, things that caught my attention, beliefs I share with others, and so I could look back at it and see me. So I chose not to restrict myself. I see no reason why anyone so hateful would deserve that kind of power in my life. I strive to surround myself with people who will be supportive. I do have faith that karma will re-enter in its own way. The universe has its own means of serving divine justice.

As if you couldnt tell already, I am definitely having one of those pensive psychoanalytical days. Kind of going to sound a bit therapy, self help-y and new age-y today. As I warn you yet again- get out of my head while you can.

After yesterday with two instances of revalation and violation I have taken a while to write things but let them breathe before I post them. I am not necessarily trying to censor myself. I have done that once for the wrong person and I wont again. But instead trying to get a good grasp on some things for myself.

I am currently left feeling like an onion. I know that sounds weird. But think about it. Right now I am basically in a transition stage. I am changing and peeling back layers of me constantly. Some times that makes some of me raw, some times it secretes subtances that have different effects on people, sometimes it clears your eyes out enough to see what is in front of you and its not what you had ever thought it was. To me it is that which accounts for your reinvention of yourself each time you grow through an experience. I might be taking the metaphor too far but it is working for me today. There are uphill climbs and there are down hill slides. And all of this just makes me want to work harder on myself in the path I am on and to discover how I can learn to see through the hollow people who can paint pretty faces.

I have encountered people like this on a few occassions. The kind I am talking about are the " who does s/he think s/he is" people. People who say that are really trying to diminsh someone else. They go and round up their group, present things one dimensionally, and try to have everyone slag the person; but do so passive agressively, trying to make slight jabs that seem innocent. All their interest is centered in calling you names, and being vindictive trying to hurt you. They are just like the school yard bully. Or more appropriately they emulate the people who violated them during the immature periods of highschool. There is simply no way to satisfy those who dont feel good about themselves. If they felt good about themselves, they would deal with the instances in a different way. It is always amazing to me how judgemental people have to be to call someone else judgemental.

What it really is, is righteous indignation. It means how dare she exceed my expectations of who I have determined she is. I put her in that box and she ought to stay there. How dare she express her own opinons. How dare she say what I have said. But to me there is nothing enlightened in shrinking so that others wont feel insecure around me, or not being myself to satiate someone elses insecurities. I do not fit into boxes. I am at the point that I think the real way for me to get there is to be able to define the world in my terms, so that I know where I stand independent of what others say. I am making the conscious choice to show people who I really am. And after all of it I feel like I have let go of some of the people that influenced and brought out the worst parts of me. I have stepped away from the gossipy and stepped back into my actual life. In the words of the besieged Martha Stewart. That is a Good Thing.

I think that there is alway something to express gratitude for daily. Its part of daily growth. I might not always list it here but there is always one sinking around in my head during the day. I think of it and appreciate it, simple or complex. Today it is working to incorportate generous people in my life, turns out quite happily there are more of these kind than I thought. I want to make sure that they know what they mean to me. Also to shed the layer of those who are not. Streamlining is probably one of the best things people can do. I am not willing to wallow in stagnation. I am not going to be immature and strike back. That is not my nature. And for anyone who mistakes my entry for striking out, its not. It is a part of me and where I am at. Most importanly it is my being honest and respectful to myself, which is where it all starts from. Out of all of that I guess what I know for sure is that everything happens for a reason. Who am I to question the universe? I am just me.

But lets be mushy today, please be kind to some one and pass the gratitude on. With out expectations pay it forward.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Friend: what does that word mean to you...
I learned with utter clarity what it means to me today. It is slicing to have some one you cared about, and trusted, shove you out there for picking and gossiping. I like any good Cancer have a hard shell and despise vulnerability, but once cracked I am all soft meat. However once I see the light, I am done and the slice is no more.

I dont have a passive agressive bone in my body, I am not intentionally malicious to those I care about, and I have little tolerance for people who resort to resolving issues this way. I realized today who my friends were and what the word friend means to me. Thank you to those of you who set me straight and those who were so caring. It and you mean more to me than you know. Unfortunately today still makes me want to restrict myself. I often open up too much, too soon and am gullible- I trust others; this is a lesson. When you tell someone something and they use it against you to hurt you, it says a lot.

I can only look at myself, take my responsibility in it all and drop the rest. It must be shedding season. I know I have a great year ahead of me, and as terrifying as it is I am REALLY excited about it. I know I am a good friend. I really dont want to allow others to ruin it. They do not deserve that kind of power for being cowards. Anyone who feels ok about doing things at the expense of others or want to level people down, does not share the fundamental values I believe in. I would mourn but honestly I think some people present false personas- they arent what they say they are. When you scratch beneath the superficial it is evident. So are all the constructions that arent there. I just dont feel it, the sham was up and to me they deserve pity not anger.

It was best said by one of my dear, lovely and snarkiest of friends:
I do not need to "tone down" my personality; what I need to do is hang out with people who are not so self-centered that they think every little action of mine is a reflection on them.

I am tired of explaining myself, censoring myself, apologizing for myself and justifying myself when there is no bloody reason. I am who I am. I am not going to change that for anyone but me. Let alone someone else who wants me to be what they need, and doesnt have their life in order. I have been doing that my entire life. It is tiresome and practically given me an identity crisis. I am not responsible for what life provided me, be it who my family was friends with, where I have gone or what I have been able to do for myself by working my ass off just like my immigrant grandparents. I am proud of them and grateful for every last experience of mine, there is no reason to hide it. I am not responsible for how you choose to interpret any of it either.

It is unfortunate that others misinterpret things and their first resort is to name calling. I always thought when you got older you wouldnt resort to the tactics of a three year old. I often find that this is the case though, and it is disappointing. I am sorry if in expressing my preferences or experience others think I am being superior. It has taken me a while to recognize that which is and is not right for me. That has never been a judgment on others or even something I want anyone to emulate. I am no shrinking violet that is for sure, I am opinonated most certainly, but pretentious or condescending I am not.

I am going through a transition in my life and as Judy says there are friends for all seasons and reasons. Sometimes people who you thought had sustance are hollow. I am changing from who I was, growing exponentially. I am more driven, on the right track for myself and having some success. Those who know and love me are thrilled for this. Others are insecure in themselves and they either cant accept me, my opinons or have changed so radically themselves that they arent who they ever said they were and want to project it on to me.

There is only so much of the hypocrisy that I can handle. Part of me wants to shut this sucker down and be anonymous again. I dont need this kind of abuse. Honestly if you dont like what I am writing about dont come back. I dont do this blog for you I do it for me. I reiterate that this never has and never will be about you, it is not for you. This is my space to express myself, and it is only a reflection on me. I invite you in and welcome you all, I love having you here. But sorry guys, at the end of the day it is all about me.

P.S. Yes I know I was really foul yesterday, that is why I warned you, sorry.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Dear God, Allah, Buddha and anyone else you want to pray or jihad to, I am in one foul mood. If this is your first time here you have caught me on a seriously bad day its normally not this vitriolic. I have held it back before but those neuro-receptors in my head are not working as of present. If you dont want to hear it I suggest you get the hell out of dodge. If you have virgin ears run the other way as I am about to singe the hell out of those ear hairs with my sailor mouth. And if you dont like any of it ask me if I care. Cause bitch I dont. Its my god damned blog, fuck off if you dont like it. See I dont lie. I told you I am spell it out like a cheerleader: capital F-O-U-L!!!

I should be happy I have just finished another final that if I say so myself I rocked on. I also got feed back on the "skating on plagarism" paper, that said the prof liked it. Only two exams and some polishing of the paper left this week. Packing next week and then off to DC, and then to the psychadelic home of Zed and Twat, were I was promised a trip to a nudie sauna. How do I get myself into these things. IF she goes in with chocolate sauce, marshmellows and a red bozo wig whilst thumping her chest I am going to..... Anyways I mean I am seeing the light at end of the academic tunnel.

But no I am about three hairs from breaking out a can of homicidal whoop ass. When the fuck did I become the "MAN's" whipping bitch? What is it about me that makes all shit rain on me when I am down on the ground with out an umbrella. No I am not playing victim I am having a shitty day and that means I get to strop about and throw my finger and ass in the face of reason for a short while.

Things that have made me all sparkly and bright today: finidng out that because of dealership fraud on my car I have "volunteered" to pay $700+, the tax people lost all of my forms (dip shit here has no back up copies either)and I have two weeks to fill them out again or I might lose up to $500, unemployment people are raising cain on a stiuation that was their mistake but want me to pay them $1700 for it, Verizon once again fucked up my account and wants me to pay to the tune of $100 for that pleasureable service, the exchange rate is fucking me with NO orgasm (1.2234 OUCH!!!- Thanks George for your impeccable economic mismanagement skills, oh yeah and damn currency investors for noticing), apartement add hunting in Paris (650 euros for 15-16 square meters, that isnt even enough room to get fucked in!), not knowing where my boxes, you know the ones with my jackets are (oh yeah just heard- they are in fucking Denver at a storage house, when did I move there? I would please like it sent to Zimbabwe instead), and since the weather fairy fucked up the weather I have a cold. It is now all about coughing, so much that I pray it does something for my abs cause if not it was worthless to cough that much, that and hacking up green phlegm in the morning in chunks and no I am not making a metaphor there. One this morning was about three quarters of an inch and shaped like my left lung.

Thank your gods that I dont get pre-menstrual otherwise I would give anyone a run for their money in WWIII. I may be pixie sized but I am one scary bitch I tell you.

Any one know where I can buy me some optimistic pills, I need to snort me a few lines of at least a good dozen of em. Yup needs me a serious dosage of pixie dusting.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

I have decided I want to be world famous. I went and put up a guest map and I bloody well want people to sign it. If you are reading this blog GO NOW! Sign It! Oh and if I dont know you would you please tell me how you found the blog??
- Thank You: Your Favorite Foot Stomping Pixie

I am having a prolific but utterly dull evening. I am quite pathetic when I think about it. It is Saturday night a free night from grad student hell and I am at home doing nothing. I guess the fact that I have a cold and am flying high on anti-histimines might have something to do with that.

My Random Thought for the Day:
I am a woman of many turtlenecks, especially when I have a sore throat. Damn good thing that I look good in them. The irony of it is that I HATED the bloody things when I was younger. Almost as much as did the footsie pjs (those were only good for iceskating on the parquet and only then for launching myself off the edge into the sunken living room and terrorizing my mother). Amazing I am an adult and I have a union suit for the occasional pj and I love turtlnecks. WHO AM I???

Saturday, December 06, 2003

I am most definitely sleep deprived. I didnt go to bed until 5:30 AM. Yes you heard right AM. I was working on papers till about 3:30, and then couldnt get body to unwind and couldnt breathe so I didnt sleep. I am feeling like such shit its not even funny. I am a overused and completely drained battery. my recharge date is long past due. I have no originality or creativity left in me and well I cant activate a braincell for the life of me anyways.

I am also ready to clock the beserk weather fairy. Damn bitch decided to go ballistic and make it really cold. Well not that cold but enough of an overnight change to notice it. And not just cold and grey but clammy. And it is a dramatic change which has sent the body spiralling into hell. Propelling me to drugs. My nose and throat are not thanking her.

I feel like shit and it seems lately that my pattern is about gaininig weight while stressed. IT SUCKS. I better loose some of it, that is all I can say. I was liking loosing weight. I am thinking that I might have to try and do some stupid New Year thing and really try to make some accountable efforts on this. I know I am not anywhere near chunky but I want to drop 10lbs and tone up. Must get back to swimming and yoga if I can.

Anyways I am completely miserable. I have a sore throat stuffed up nose. And even worse I just heard Cec's account balance and I am SERIOUSLY in a bad way. MAJORLY financially MISMANAGED!!!! I am way poorer, have no clue why or where the money has gone and that has made me feel like utter shit as I still have more money to spend to get myself to the next step and there through the first module. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

On a positive note, I went out to lunch today and well lets just say I must have been pathetic enough because the waiter suggested and I said yes to a hot chocolate. When we went to pay he told me it was on him. He wasnt cute or anything but with my drought anyways it was nice. I think he was the guy we ran into at another bar who tried in a really lame way to "bump" into the group convo that Cecily totally trashed into. That and I am pretty sure that I saw Sharon Lawrence today. She was an actress on NYPD Blue when it first started. If not it was someone who REALLY looks like her.

Here is to a day off cause I turned in one paper, one book review and one paper draft (that honestly I dont have many intentions of making dramatic change) and well I dont technically have anythign till "Monday" but will be studying probably some time tomorrow or Sunday. Regardless I am COMPLETELY done with one class. Only 3 more to go.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

well I done gone and did it. I had a heartattack. I am REALLY bad about making BIG purchases. And I am not exaggerating in the least, I really do mean EXCEPTIONATELY bad. I had utter coniption fits when I paid my tuition for the program. Well today went and bought me a ticket to go pond hopping with similar results. I hate having to push the finalize button. I dont want to have time to think I do better in most cases being reactionary. Oh you pushed me off the cliff let me hook up my bungee cord. You give me time to think and I am more than into overanalysis paralysis.

I did my finances last night. And let me say they left a lot of zeros to be desired so I canned my great layover trip idea and instead I am heading straight to the house of Zed and Twat for Xmas. It is now confirmed with public knowledge. What all is confirmed is a whole other issue. I dont know what all there is to do in Brussels but I am going to make Zed take me to see the little boy peeing though- and I do not mean her son. Though he has told me in the way only a 10 year old can and be endearing about- "Y Love You." He's not so good at writing English which makes IMing with him down right bloody hysterical.

I woke up and am resigned to a whole day holed away in teh apartment finishing up the last bits of some shoddy paper. Hopefully I will be able to breathe most of the day. Beyond that there is little of consequence in my life. I am pathetic...

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Well today has been on hell of a day. I woke up feeling like shite! Just about time to get a cold, right when I need to get things going. Damn body I treat it like shit and this is what it does for me!

Anyways went to work on the paper. Didnt get too far. Went to class and presentation. Brain couldnt think of intelligent questions and so of course I get put on the spot for responses. Like that was going to happen.

After class I ran to the library to find a book with a potential article in it. I am so skating on the edge of plagarism with this paper for shittiest class. And I dont even care. I pass and that is all that matters to me right now.

Anyways I got all fried harried and scrambled as I tried to get my visa items together and sent. Thank the gods for Cecily being so kind as to drive me around for 30 minutes. Having a headache and sore throat will do that to me on occasion. I really thought I had a migrane coming through last night. And then I had stomach (actual stomach) cramps that not even the fetal position was going to take care of. I swear I was five minutes from cutting up my lower intestines to see if that would bring any relief.

I some how managed to finish 95% of the research notes for the plagarized paper and hopefully will get slap happy tomorrow and throw the shit together to make something of a paper so I can be done with it all.

Calgon take me away!

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

It is one of the last days of class and I am too damn stressed out to be sad to be honest. and the same goes for being ebullient too. I am really trying to get my act together on this paper but I am so I dont know- not giving a good god damn that well it is hard to push it.

I dont have much else to add as I am honestly too braindead for anything. We are well past hearing the beeeeeeeeeeep over here. The machine has been turned off.
Dear lord it has all started up again. I woke up late but with the realization that I was back in hell. I have a to do list that is quite literally two miles long and less than two weeks to get it all done. I am utterly terrified.

Anyways I managed to wake up in time to get to my afternoon class. I prepped and after the “chatty” part I gave my presentation. Again I have graduate students acting like 3 year old asses as I present. Michael and Jen were doing their stupid shit across the table and saying something about some words I was using. I am sorry are they too big for you to understand?

And I SOOOOOOO could have shot Julia. I know she has the best of intention but this journalistic way of asking questions has got to STOP. She proceeded to ask something that made a handful of people in class giggle like they were teenagers. I mean for the love of god the following was the interaction of magnitude:

Tink: There were studies relating the use of hormones with carcinogenic effects that had a biased impact on prepubescent youth
Julia: What do you mean? What does carcinogenic effect mean? What is a prepubescent youth
Tink: Well we are talking about pre-teens. Carcinogenic indicates a relation to causing cancer. And it has been linked to two types of cancer. The issue began after an appearance of secondary sexual characterisistics.
Julia: Oh yeah what is a secondary sexual characteristic? Is it growing another organ?
**Peanut Gallery Giggles**
Tink: *WANTS to say* no you twat growing a second penis would be a primary sexual characteristic.
Tink: *ACTUALLY says* no it would be things like growth patterns of hair and breasts for young boys and earlier development in women. That isn’t exactly my specialty and beyond those two I am not sure of others but I can give you some resources.

GOOD GOD I HATE TWATS!! Thank the lord I have given this presentation a handful of times. Sad thing is that I have said the same thing each presentation basically and the third graders I gave it to responded better than my fellow grad students… education that is what it is all about. Anyways doesn’t matter I got an H and that just about seals and H in the class for me (H is basically an A)

I got home and spent a couple of hours putting together a proposal for a conference. I am not sure I care anymore if I get accepted or not. I am so tired of this all I just want to be done and in Paris or Iceland or Brussels or anywhere but here!

Monday, December 01, 2003

Being the last one standing means jack shit when you wake up with your brainstem wanting to rip itself from your body. This morning I was awoken by a two year old SCREAMING. Parents should learn how to make that stop.

This whole last evening made me wonder a bit about what it is like to be the older person. I have always been the kid (and never saw anything mother was dull as a butter knife) or the babysitter (in which case again I saw nothing)

Fun evening- BAD morning. My stomach was not happy with me and Jayne’s car having no shocks did NOTHING to help that fact. We finally managed to get back to her apartment and took the metro into to town for brunch, thank the lord. I so badly needed food it was not funny.

We went back to Kramer’s Bookshop café for brunch and I was quite content. I don’t want to think about the money that has been spent on this trip. Had a fun incident where sitting at the bar looking at a book some guy askes me if I am Jamie. I say no sorry. He was kinda cute but I dont live there Im moving and well whatever. As I am leaving the store (about 10 minutes later) he comes up again and askes me if I am Jaime. Ummm......

After brunch I got in my walking exercise breaking in my new boots. We walked the whole mall and I got to see some of the sites for the first time. Something is up with my regular camera and that has me a bit pissy. I dont have the time or temperment for this After we walked the whole Mall- the Washington monument, the Reflecting Pool, Vietnam and Korean monuments, the Lincoln Memorial and walked past a view of the Jefferson one we headed to the Smithsonian.

I learned today that there are TONS of Smithsonians and the one we went to was American history. I have been feeling deficient in that topic lately, given my exposure and lack of ability to connect random information with their related facts. It seems that my brain made the decision to remember things like Manassas but not any of the reasons why it might have been lodged in the brain in the first place (Jayne guessed it was either a Civil War battle or the Lorena Bobbitt chopping that placed it there). Anyways we went and saw a really interesting exhibit on first ladies.

Unfortunately by this point my feet were begging to be chopped off. I am such a walker girl but since I never am there long enough to adjust my feet always hurt so damn much. Anyways we took the metro home drove round Old Town got me back to the apartment and I packed up to head out.

Said my goodbyes and took two hours to go 70 miles to Richmond. I almost had a heart attack and most certainly had palpitations for quite a while when I thought I was going to get pulled over- the guy did put on his sirens, just to go past me good god that is cruel. I had to stop twice in the last 70 miles as I was nodding off and doing that while behind the steering wheel of a very heavy object is not a good idea!

I quite happily survived DC, Jayne, her friends and family and I got home at 2:45am and headed STRAIGHT to bed.

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