Tuesday, October 19, 2004

My Ass It Drageth Badly:

In my defense nothing that funny or interesting has been going on, and that which has has had me in a not so pleasant atmosphere. However, as penance for my disappearing act which will most likely continue, and in light of it being Halloween Time; in the spirit of NO TINK ONLY YOU, and for the love of Halloween and missing my candy corn... I bring you a Scary Story. I call it Frenchie had to go. All my friends said I had to share it cause they are laughing hard and so should you.

And for the record. I COMPLETELY comprehend why men run screaming at dolphin tones when women get all clingy. I will write a blood oath to NEVER be all up in that shit.

I had a discussion about it with my bestest friend- otherwise known as gay turkey-basting husband to be (what like you wouldn’t make a "if we get this old and are lonely well have kids and be sexually divergent" pact with your friends??) Here is your laugh-a-minute transcript.

Me: Oh I am so not allowed to date ever again. We are having super human children together and you will buy me sex toys. End of discussion this is going to be the existence here in our house! Seriously this shit is for the birds or people with interpersonal skills.
Him: What did you do this time?
Me: I let shit get out of control and now I have to do clean up. Seriously, Frenchie is pulling le freak on me. I knew I shouldn’t have gone out on a date with him. Now dating practice is disaster control. First he calls almost daily, once during my interview with the French Foreign Ministry- I no longer pick up calls from unidentified numbers; then he emails all over the place. I was hoping that my chilling words would douse the fires but NOOOOOO he goes all flowery on my ass.
Him: Flowery?
Me: The epitome of flowery. I miss your tender eyes and velvety soft flowing voice. So flowery I gagged just thinking about it again. Then when I backed out of meeting with him as he was going to meet me somewhere and we could then go to an intimate place... And in response to my back out- I have a headache (really when did I get all vintage 1950, not good for the hard core feminist façade) he says but if I had your address I would send you flowers... OH FUCK, I thought I was all romantic and girly but I am not. Seriously when did I grow the dick over here?
Him: Shit I just gagged too. But sweetie you have always been a Butch Gay Man. You have bigger balls than most men I have seen and I have been around the block
Me: That you have... Ahhhh so that is why you love me muchly!!
Him: Bitch... Yes if you flipped your hand I would lop it off faster than a Turkish Imam.
Me: But now I cant get rid of him. Seriously he is not leaving the building. And Elvis needs to get the fuck off my planet. The last straw on this camels back was when the Freak stalked me to the library!!!
Him: He did what??? Honey you didn’t dominate law school for nothing, restrain his ass with three ply leather strap downs.
Me: And even worse he has my necklace from our trip to Venice. So after a few more cool messages he has just emailed saying, I think you do not want to meet me (I cannot be a lesbian, this prissy shit its for the Poodles, WHAT man would want a pouty woman?? Corresponding face with corresponding emotion- see life is simple). So I bit the bullet; I sent the no fucking mistake email(tm). You know the one with a message that you can read from the NASA Space Station. I was nice (hey I want my necklace) and said, I would like to meet with you but I should have been more upfront about my situation and limits. I have too many things demanding of me in my life, and I don’t have the time for any relationship right now. So all I can offer is friendship and nothing more. I hope you understand (and give me back my necklace you Noix de Gateaux aux Fruits)
Him: Ok so here is the deal; you make a meeting meet with the bitch and you grab the necklace you say look you just cant be involved until your genital herpes flair up calms down and you haul ass out of the Starbucks.
Me: Well only after I hit him with a two by four for being such a dumb fuck. I knight you *in the unconventional way* You, you cannot procreate on my planet... But I will definitely keep that in there as back up plan #1

Insert Notes: I set up a meeting with him on Sunday afternoon at Starbucks (which I should note 1. Coffee puts me to sleep, 2. I don’t go to Starbucks that often and 3. when I do go it is for a REAL MUFFIN). I chose Starbucks as I was DREADING this and there would be a pay off (MUFFIN BAYBEEEE) and it would be hugely public.

Him: How did it go?
Me: Well it went and I have the necklace with a renewed ultra strength freak magnet.
Him: Awww yeah bring on the story, it is time for Disasterpiece Theatre beyotches...
Me: Well so I sent the email he said I understand completely and I respect that. So I kind of thought hey I might get off easy. Super Microsoft Friend #1 is a result of my whack ‘em in the balls honesty right...
Him: Yup never have to wonder where you stand...
Me: Shut it bitch before I slap your ass
Him: You know what I like... so how did it go down?
Me: Well we met up and I did the whole "I read the body language chapter and this is everything combined that they say should make sure you know that this is not going anywhere " dance. I nervous chattered.
Him: That should have sent him running
Me: I am so going to bitch slap you like Shiva for that next time I see you!!! Anyways I got my muffin went and sat upstairs, me keeping my bits away from him. Every sentence was explicitly designed to indicate I did not have a single nanosecond of time for him in my life.
Him: Aren’t you just sugar, spice and everything nice?
Me: How long have you known me- I thought you were more perceptive than that. Now go put your dunce cone on and sit your listening only ass in the corner. Thank you!
Me: So before anything I get the necklace and he is like I have it here. NO GIMME... Insistent as I am and on a mission I was like "can I please have it now" (you know in case I have to run like a wolf with the wind??). He hands it over, I know at this point all is safe. I have the necklace and I have to meet a friend in 30 minutes... I will survive.
Him: Are you singing again?
Me: Yes this is a musical rendition of when things go wrong in my life. Now shut the fuck up so I can finish as he hasn’t gone all freaky on my ass yet, and I know you want the juicy shit.
Him: Ok
Me: Ha I can get one word responses out of him... ok stop. So while we are talking I tell him about the travels I have coming up- a meeting in Stockholm, a working group meeting in England, a trip to visit my family, and me most likely moving. During which he does this whole grab her hand mid air (should note that as a good Spaniard, I talk with my hands propelling about me occasionally lifting me off the floor) and pull it in saying NOOO like a coy pouty three year old. To which I recoil faster than you when you want to get sprung. And here comes the fizzy dizzy wing dinger of em all Daddy
Him: HA you know whose your Daddy. So lets get Sprung!!
Me: SHUT IT if you want to hear Monsieur le Freak.
Him: Shutting the toilet lid.
Me: He says well I have some vacation time coming up. I say that is great trying to cut the bastard off at the pass, but I was not quick enough. He continued on to say he might be interested in going to Sweden when as I going... I promptly inserted that that was not possible, not with me. He followed up with well if not then I wanted to propose to take you on a trip to somewhere in France that you would like to see.
Him: He WHAT??
Me: Yes my lovely husband to be... We have entered the Twilight Zone; where after one date when the girl tells you she just wants to be friends- you do the logical thing and invite her on a vacation. But now my dear we do not leave it there. I do not pull minor freaks I pull the major ones, the ones with de cajones. I fish with the big boys bitch. Basshole fishing I have a bumpersticker for it! Attached to my forehead.
Him: Dear Buddha what did the twat do next?
Me: Well I tried to ignore that whole let me take you on a romantic weekend- I am the energizer bunny act (again that penis enlargement spam... maybe it wasn’t misdirected I think I see something pointing his way to the door). I kept talking so fast that he couldn’t get a word in.
Him: Brilliant strategy
Me: I thought so and then I was like what is the time- ok I must go. And he was like well but I have one more thing. I am like sure just get it OVER with. He says- I must tell you how I have been dreaming about you all week and your luscious lips and I want to kiss you desperately swinging you in my arms.
Him: Have you brought up your genital herpes yet??
Me: No instead I keep repeating no as he lunges towards me. NO NO NOOOOOOOOO. WHAT THE FUCK, I just got this muffin I can NOT projectile vomit it back up!!
Him: Way to make a scene
Me: Like I am afraid of making a scene? I have been the center of attention to a crowd of over 100,000 people with a guys hand up my ass... come on??
Me: So I say look I told you friends only, he says I understand; I respect that, but I must express my feelings for you. I am like umm yeah feel that its my boot expressing your flowery disrespectful ass to the curb.
*Cue me running away from Monsieur le Freak faster than a speeding bullet*
Him: That is one for the story books
Me: Ummm yeah, I need to find me a normal person. Hey did I tell you my cute Italian Professor friend is moving to Paris for 2.5 months??
Him: You soooooo have ADD
Me: Huh?? Wanna ride Bikes??

Yes you have hopefully not been frightened within a whit of your life and instead been entertained. Otherwise I typed in the computer lab for nothing. Go forth and prosper. I hope to return at a future date when I am done writing about the riveting topic of how taxation affects female employment, I get this interview with the OECD over and I am able to make a decision.

HAHAHAHA you may never see me again...

Friday, October 08, 2004

AH Putain!:

Where has the time gone?? I do not know but I do not like that it has gone. I need to have a talk with someone about this... And underwraps and work is a "redesign" of the blogger template. Hopefully I will have it up some time next week.

In the mean time, here is a quick random update.

I made the call and I got the interview. Yes I was in possession of a special badge to access the French Foreign Ministry. And it was great. Well until Mr. Long Legs (one of the interviewers) took me up 8 flights of stairs. Three or four flights I am there with you and fine. Eight at haul ass pace- I was out of breath, and it was EARLY in the morning. I am not a morning person in case you didn't get that memo. Waking up early, to get grilled in French, yup a dream come true... I managed to get myself through the interview and I am breathing ok now. I think they liked me, they asked 3 times if I could start soon. It isn't paid though and that could be a problem. Oh well we'll see what they say.

Then that date I went on, the one that went oh so wrong in oh so many ways... This right here is the reason I should not be allowed to date people. Frenchie has gone and gotten all flowery on my ass. And you know what the wooing, it is making me royally gag. I guess I am not that romantic after all... I am trying to let him down easy, but if he hasn't really GOTTEN the point by Sunday I am going to hit him over the head with a 2x4 cause some of this shit is starting to creep me the fuck out!

So I have gotten a fair amount of comments on my research and some excited emails from the Northern friends (as I call my Scandinavian Mafia friends) and it looks like as a treat for finshing this Mofo dissertation, I am going to treat myself with a visit. YEAH for travel. Piss and vinegar for finishing up Mofo. But it will be done... in 22 days SHIT!!! SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!

In the mean time I have been nominated for a Presidential Management Fellowship. Yup I am serious folks, someone went crazy and well it wasn't me this time. I am kind of hoping that management is the active verb in that acronym- my memo might get some good use then. I am sure there will be another memo tomorrow too. Yes I am staying up to watch the debate- even though the last time fucked up my sleeping working schedule all week.

And in a final note, I have conqueored the intricacies of plumbing French. See that tinkle tinkle you might have heard over here... it was not me on the potty. It was chinese water torture otherwise known as a leak in my shower. Water dripping from the ceiling- YEAH. All 2x2 ft of it. So I had the plumber over to take a looksie. It is always a good sign when they say "Ah Putain" repeatedly and then bring a saw upstairs. But the leak isn't my fault it is the 4th floors fault. He managed to cut out a chunk of my drywall ceiling, so everything smells moldy- mmmmm the smell of mold and breakfast. And of course I always feel better having a hole that looks like a rat could fall out of to take my shower under. The nightmares this could spring on me. I think I am going to be taking showers at the pool, for the next two months... I love my apartment.

Oui C'est La Vie en Rose!

Friday, October 01, 2004

Stop the Insanity:

So I stayed up until 5 am today. Why would be an idiot and do that you ask? Am I reprising my role as Vampira? Probably- outfit and cabaret singing for the weekend shows. Was it the raging night at the corner karaoke bar? Sure it was but I wasn’t drinking or singing that nasty ass 70’s compilation shit. In the olden days it would have been part of the party till its 1999 theme track. Nowadays it is part of the "I hate Time Zone differences" party line. Oh yeah and I am a political science geek/ responsible citizen too.

Yes everyone, I stayed up to watch the first 2004 Presidential debate. The debate that I thought started at 1am but really started at 3am. I watched all 90 minutes of it, knitting and wide awake. I say stayed up because if I had tried to wake up at that hour… Well those who know me and my "morning face" can pick your asses up off the floor. And stop laughing.

I thought I would rupture an artery or something over all the hot air Bush was trying to huff; but honestly I could handle it as each contestant on each question got no more than 3 minutes. I was impressed with Kerry’s reasoning capacities and his debating skills. No it wasn’t a resounding hum-dinger with fireworks kind of debate. True, there was no clear winner. But Kerry delivered on the goods. He connected, he was on target, he kept Georgie Porgie on the defensive and he was finally able to tackle head on some of the bobblehead’s talking points and wiping the floor with Bush's ass. And those Freudian slips George made (Serious George it was Al Qaeda who attacked us not Saddam, that Arabic stuff might all sound the same... but its not)

And in the interest of playing debate coach (hey I did debate as a “kid”- what do you expect of a legal and logic geek?), I have an attached memo for George Bush.

Memo to George:
1. Stop saying duty- FULL STOP. You make it sounds like doodie. And that is funny shit to say when you look like a chimp. Yes, I am childish enough to laugh at that.
2. When you talk about Iranian Mullahs- please don’t say Moo-las, unless you are calling them cows or the money train. And really that is less diplomatic than forgetting Poland and “denigrading” their contributions.
3. That wandering mumbling consistency bullshit you had on rinse, lather, repeat? How can you lead if you change your position under pressure (or evidence as I like to call it) … after the 8th time with lots of ummm’s in there, even I lost attention. But it will make for a great drinking game. Shots every time he says “wrong place, wrong war, wrong time”. WHEEEE the soldiers might not be tanked appropriately but I will be and I won't have to use Jaeger to get me there!
4. Oh and learn from Daddy do NOT get caught on the screen looking all rattled and irritated when your opponent looks calm, presidential and can effin speak English

Thanks Muchly,
A non-subservient citizen of the non-elected President

The real reason I was an idiot to stay up had nothing to do with the fact that watching Bush talk annoys the shit out of me. Amazingly I was able to keep most of my Tourettes under control. And really I felt bad for him; he couldn’t string his thoughts together. There was no coherence or logical rigor to his arguments. There was just a talking point, and repetition like Bush employs only serves to annoy rather than "drive the point home." In small doses without his speech writer and teleprompter, he really does look pathetic. I can only hope that the American public will awaken from this cauchemar to realize it is the enormity of the failures in foreign policy that currently insulate Bush from accountability. Which is the only thing that will regain the US any of it's credibility.

No, it is because I had a meeting this morning with Him Who Stares and Scares on the first draft of my dissertation. At 9:30 am. Which means I had to be ready and out the door by 9am... Ok if it has not been established before (see above note to shut it!); I am soooooo not a morning person. But what was really nice about this meeting is that I was not fluttery nervous! I had a selvedge edge of liberty since the comments from Him the Non-Communicative were mostly positive. And at the end of the day, it is Him the Non-Communicative who is responsible for my grade. When I got there with bags under my eyes and in my hand at 9:30AM, don’t ask how I did it- I don’t know, he of course asked me to wait so he could finish reading the comments from Him the Non-Communicative.

I thought for a while it was going to be really odd after the whole conference set of things and understanding the way his mind works... but you know what it went relatively well. His English was entertaining as always, but no zingers. He was sincere but direct and had some tact. HOLY SHIT Him Who Stares and Scares can employ tact! He even apologized for his "harshness" in advance making reference to his lack of English skills. Seriously, it was like seeing the revelations unfold right in front of my very own eyes. And he was smart and helpful; he wasn’t all asshatty or twisting the pinecones. Even better he laughed at something I said. Oh.Mi.God the sun has shone and there can be humor; about damn time. I think he might even see me as more than a pair of breasts; you know I just might be a human- on the radar. I was completely taken aback.

Yes I have some more incorporation/organizational work to do on this research. And all of his comments were supportive and constructive. Well taken and some make me think; in that great I have more to do- but in an "it will help my paper" kind of way. He even made the nice "it would get a good grade as it is now, but I know you can make it better" comment. Hey people believe in my capabilities, they belive in what I am saying and he can pull out some of those points I need to clear up. They are there, they are! Really at the end of the day, he is a good advisor to have on my panel.

And then to bring things full circle, cause with all my research on welfare nexus triangles I am so over that shape. It seems other French people saw the debate too. As I sit here typing this with my Financial Times and morning OJ in the Crous (think student union/cafeteria/computer lab) I am hearing the "locals" chatter. They talk in French and then make the most hysterical of inserts in dead on Bush English of the Bobblehead’s talking points. And they make an ass out of him even more than I am. I love living in France- where they have a sense of humor and the concept of patriotism isn’t perverted.

Now to get my bravery up and go to a cabine to call the French Foreign Ministry… NOW I am fluttery and nervous!

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?